Red-Velvet Bread Pudding!!

How good is Bread Pudding?  Imagine your favorite bread baked in a matrix of a sweet and creamy egg custard, maybe topped with a caramel sauce.  Now, what's BETTER than Bread Pudding?  RED-VELVET bread pudding, that's what!  Imagine substituting an entire Red-Velvet cake for the bread and add some cream cheese frosting?!  Yep, I went there.

What's better than Red Velvet bread pudding?  EASY Red Velvet Bread Pudding, that's what!  Let's do this!

You Will Need:

• 1 Crock Pot (yep, a crock pot)
  
• 6 Cups of red velvet cake, un-frosted, cut into cubes
  
• 1 Cup Heavy Cream
• 1 Cup Whole Milk
• 1 Tsp Vanilla
• 4 Eggs
• 1/3 Cup Sugar
• 1/2 Cup White Chocolate Chips
• Cream Cheese Frosting (canned or homemade)
  

My buddy Mark is a lawyer.  He's also married with TWO teenage daughters, so...  Mark does not have a lot of spare time on his hands!  This recipe is for him (and for those like him).  I was able to assemble this entire dish in under 5 minutes! 

The trickiest thing about this recipe is coming up with 6 "heaping" cups of red-velvet cake.  I just bought a red-velvet box cake (Duncan Hines, of course), followed the directions to bake a 13x9 pan sized cake, set it out to cool, and cut the whole thing into cubes.  This was the perfect amount of cake to use... just a bit more than 6 cups, it was perfect, cheap, fast, and easy.  You do need to let it cool down first, and that takes time.  You could always buy a red-velvet cake from the store, but you'll need to scrape off the frosting and that's tough to do.

Dump the cream, milk, vanilla, eggs, and sugar into a bowl.  Using a hand whisk, slowly stir it all together.  Why a hand-mixer?  Two reasons!  First of all, if you use an electric mixer and really beat the cream, it may over-aerate and you'll make whipped cream, instead.  Second, why would get your mixer all dirty?  You'll just have spend more time cleaning it.  Ain't nobody got time for that...

Once the sugar starts to dissolve and the custard gets easier to stir, grab your whisk firmly and put the spurs to it!  Stir, stir, stir until the custard comes together as the fairly thick and full uniform custard that it desperately wants to be.

Next, get out your crock-pot and put in a liner.  While a liner is not required, it makes clean-up, So. Much. EASIER!!  Spray the liner with some non-stick spray.

Now, dump in the cake and drizzle the custard over it.  Drizzle carefully and slowly.  You don't want to over-saturate any one area over another.  Drizzle evenly, and be sure to scrape out the sides of the bowl!

Carefully stir the mixture all together, and then sprinkle the white-chocolate chips over the top.  Put the lid on, turn the crock-pot to HIGH and walk away for 2.5 hours.

When the time is finally up, there's really nothing left to do but to spoon it into a bowl and eat it!  For kicks, you might want to warm up some cream cheese frosting and pour some over the top!

Great Mushrooms? Burgundy Mushrooms!!

Want an easy way to cook restaurant quality mushrooms?  We ALL do!  What goes better with a perfectly grilled steak, than a buttered baked potato topped with spectacular mushrooms?

Buttered Baker with Burgundy Buttons

This dish couldn't be simpler, but it does take awhile.  In fact, it takes the better part of your whole day!  It's totally worth it though, because it's an amazing compliment to that expensive steak you're thinking about grilling for your guests!  Let's do this:

You Will Need:

• 4 lbs (yes, 4 pounds) of your favorite mushrooms, whole.  I like "Baby Bellas"
  
• 2 Cups Chicken Stock (regular, NOT "low sodium")
  
• 1 Liter of Burgundy (just get the big jug and measure 4 Cups, drink the rest, call it "Even")
• 2 Sticks Salted Butter
• 1/2 Cup Shallots
• 1 Tbsp Minced Garlic
  
• 2 Tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
  
• 1 Tsp Black Pepper
• Salt, to taste (reserve this for the end)

This dish takes a minimum of 8 hours so... start accordingly!

Also, did you notice that I was more specific than usual when it came to the salt?  That's because most recipes you'll find on the internet for "Burgundy Mushrooms" call for 3-6 Bouillon Cubes!  Given all the liquid in this dish, I wouldn't have a problem with that, ordinarily.  But this dish will sit and simmer and the liquid will boil out and the flavors will get super-concentrated and if you add all of that salt early, you'll end up with "Mushrooms in a salt lick" and NOBODY wants that, so... pay attention, and do this right!

Also, and I can't stress this enough... WASH YOUR MUSHROOMS!  Put all 4lbs of them into the sink and cover them with cold water.  Slosh and slide them around for awhile.  You'll be amazed at the ridiculous amount of mud and dirt that will come off of them.  Mud and dirt does not go will with wine or butter...

Start with the shallots, dice them fine.  Dump them into a large stock pot with the butter, garlic, and the Worcestershire.  Melt this together over medium heat, then drop the heat to low and stir until the shallots are clear and fragrant.  Add the pepper.  Stir some more.  

Have a look at that wine bottle... Measure out 4 cups, then have a swig of the extra that's left over.  Not bad?  Burgundy has a bit more sweetness than a Pinot or a Cab Sav, worry not!  This works with mushrooms!

Now, jack the heat up to HIGH and pour in the Chicken Stock, and the Wine.  Stir it all together and bring it up to a roiling boil, before dropping the heat back down to a simmer.

While it's gently simmering, slowly add the shrooms.

Bring the heat back up (I know... up, down, up, down... deal with it)!  Stir the mushrooms until the whole mix boils!  Now drop the heat to a gentle simmer one more time and put the lid on!  WATCH IT!  It should bubble, but not boil over.  Do NOT taste it yet.

 

 

Now for the hard part... Walk away!  Yep, just leave them there, simmering, with the lid on, and find something else to do.

Come back every 90 minutes or so, to give them a stir.  You'll notice that the mushrooms are getting smaller, and the liquid is getting thicker.  Perfect.  Do NOT taste it yet!

Eventually you'll get to where you only have an inch (or less) of liquid in the pot.  NOW you can taste it!  Does it need salt?  It might... season it to your liking.

That's it!  You've done it... You've created an amazing side-dish of mushrooms that has every bit of that "extra something" that your guests can't figure out.  I grilled "Surf and Turf" the other night and these mushrooms were AMAZING on the potatoes.  I hope you like them!

Award Winning Texas Chili

So.  Chili.  *Sigh* where do I start?  The most popular recipe on this blog, by far, is "Oxtail Chili!"  Boasting nearly 30k hits, people from all over the world have clicked it from Australia to Turkmenistan, so I know Chili is a popular dish.

Having grown up in Texas, I was taught that Chili was all about, well, the Chilis!  Not the beans, not the vegetables, not even the meat; all about the chili peppers.  Texans know that if you want good chili, the "right chili," the perfect "bowl of red," you're going to have to do some work.  This recipe isn't hard, but it will test your dedication and maybe your shopping ability so let's get started!

You Will Need:

• 4lbs of Mock Tender (your butcher will know)
• Spice Bowl #1 (more on this, below)
• Spice Bowl #2 (same)
• 1 Tbsp Bacon Fat
• 3.5 Cups Chicken Broth (regular sodium)
• 3.5 Cups Beef Broth (regular sodium)
• 2 8oz Cans "No Salt Added" tomato sauce
• 2 Beef Bullion Cubes

Before we start, we need to have a serious talk about Chilis and, more specifically, Chili Powder.  God, in his wisdom, gave us hundreds of Chilis!  From the Demon-possessed Ghost Peppers that will rip your lips off, to the Angelic Red Bell Peppers that carry complex sugars, they're all "Chilis."  Any one of these pods can be dried out and pulverized into powder.  Therefore, when you purchase the generic "Chili Powder" from the spice section of the grocery store, you're essentially giving up and asking the Chili gods to just... "Gimme whatever you got?"  You know what you'll get?  You'll get dry, unflavored, bland, sticky, generic, nasty powder.  AND, since Chili Powder fades quickly over time, any powder you may have that's been on the shelf for a few months probably tastes like sawdust.  So (and I can't stress this enough), MAKE YOUR OWN CHILI POWDER!!!  It's so easy...  If you refuse to use your blender or your coffee grinder to make your own powder, I get it.  At least buy your chili powder online from a reputable place, like Penzy's!

NOW, we can talk about the two Spice Bowls that you'll need to make this Chili!  

Bowl #1

• 6 Tbsp - Your favorite "Medium to Hot" Chili Powder (I like Ancho Powder for this)
• 2 tsp - Garlic Powder
• 4 tsp - Onion Powder
• 1 tsp - Black Pepper
• 1 tsp - Tony Chachere's Cajun
• 1 tsp - Cayenne Pepper

Bowl #2

• 3 Tbsp - Your favorite "Light" Chili Powder (I like New Mexico or Arbol Powder)
• 3 Tbsp - Dark and Smoky Chili Powder (I LOVE Chipotle Powder here)
• 2 Tbsp - Cumin
• 1 tsp - Jalapeno Chili Powder
• 4 tsp - Garlic Powder
• 1/2 tsp - White Pepper
• 1 tsp - Oregano Powder
• Pinch - Basil
• 1 pk - Sazon Goya (curiously, Walmart and Target have it, but not my grocery store!)

Let's Cook!!

Start by cutting all of the Mock Tender into 1/4" cubes.  Yes, I know, this is hard.  It's tedious.  DO IT ANYWAY!  It helps if you put the meat in the freezer for a couple of hours first, and it helps even more if you have an excellent razor sharp chef's knife.  Do NOT "give up" and use ground beef instead... you'll be tempted, but DON'T DO IT!  Just take a deep breath, pour yourself a glass of wine or a cold beer, and get it done.

Dump the broth into your big chili pot.  Add the meat and the bacon fat.  Bring to a boil, then reduce to a bubbly simmer. 

Stir or shake the spices of Bowl #1 together, and add half of the pile to the pot.  Stir it well and let it simmer for 45 minutes.  Stir it every so often and when the 45 minutes is up, add the rest of Bowl #1 and simmer for another 20 minutes.

When the 20 minutes is up, add the tomato sauce, Spice Bowl #2, and the bullion cubes.  Cook, simmer, and stir it every ten minutes with the lid off, for one hour.

You'll notice lots of things happening during this last hour.  As the water reduces, things will tighten up.  You'll feel it getting thicker as you stir it.  Near the end, you'll want to sample small spoonfuls of it to test for two things:

1. The meat should become so tender, you can smoosh it with your tongue.

2. The liquid should make you super happy!  If it doesn't, you'll need to make adjustments.

Adjustments:

• Add some Cayenne Pepper at the end, to give it more heat up front.
• Add some White Pepper at the end, to give it a sneaky "back heat."
• Add Brown Sugar, 1 Tbsp at a time, to soften any heat that you can't handle.

In the end, you'll want a bowl.  Obviously!  If you can manage, let it spend the night in the fridge first, where it will REALLY come together!  Serve it hot, in a bowl, and remember that dairy fat cools the heat so you might want to add a small dollop of sour cream or a bit of cheese!

Garlic Butter Shrimp

Yay!  Four of my favorite things; Shrimp, Butter, Garlic, and Pasta!  I've noticed a trend lately with recipes that you find on the internet.  They go on and on and on for long slow paragraphs about a bunch of CRAP that is NOT the recipe!  I think they're trying to get you to click on their ads, even if you do it accidentally, trying to get to the actual recipe!  I refuse to do that, and I refuse to publish ADs on my site, so... Let's get on with it!!

You Will Need:

• 3lbs of fresh uncooked shrimp
• Juice of 1 fresh lime
• 4 Tbsp fresh minced garlic
• 4 Tsp Italian Medley dried spices
• 2 Sticks salted butter
• 1 Tbsp red pepper flakes
• 3 servings angel hair pasta
• 2 Tsp Salt and Pepper mixed

This dish is super simple!  First, place all of your dry spices into a small dish.  Mix them together.  Now, melt the butter in a large sauce-pan over low heat, and also get the water boiling for your pasta, in a large pot.  Angel Hair takes about ten minutes to cook, and so do the shrimp, so it's nice to get them prepped at the same time.  Dump the garlic into the butter and let it sweat.  Do NOT bring the butter up to a sizzle or boil!!  Garlic burns easily so just let it sweat in the butter over low heat for about ten minutes.

When the butter smells super garlic-y, dump the pasta into the boiling water, and slowly and carefully dump the shrimp into the butter.  DO NOT accidentally put your pasta in the butter and your shrimp into the water... You'll have a heck of a time trying to swap them back correctly!  So;
Shrimp -> Butter
Pasta -> Water!
Immediately shake the dry spices over the shrimp.  Bring the heat up to medium-high, and use some tongs to move them around a bit.

Gently flip the shrimp after three minutes.  Stir them around and watch as they turn opaque.  They'll be done in about 7 minutes.  Squeeze the lime juice over the top and give them a final stir.

To serve, simply dish out some pasta, use the tongs to arrange a portion of shrimp on top, then use a large spoon to ladle as much of the butter sauce as your pasta requires!  Don't forget to include the garlic!

Chicken Fried Mountain Lion! (Yes, Mountain Lion)

Normally, I have great respect for Mountain Lions. Any animal that is fast enough to chase down a 200lb Mule Deer for supper, and strong enough to carry the carcass 20 feet up into a Ponderosa Pine tree to stash it for later, well, I'd salute it.  But... when a local rancher is trying to make a living raising cattle, and that same animal keeps stealing his product?  It needs to go!  Especially when the Parks and Wildlife Dept. legally declares it a nuisance animal.  What do you do?  You EAT it!!

Chicken Fried Mountain Lion

Big cats bring several challenges to a Chef's cutting board:

They can carry trichinosis, so they need to be cooked to 160 or better, and it's hard to keep things tender at those temperatures.

They are super-lean!  You don't see many fat cats strolling through the woods, so you need to bring your own fat to the party if you want any flavor enhancement.

They're skinny!  Butchers won't find any roasts on these animals, they break down into Lion Steaks or cutlets, and lots of ground meat for Lion-Burgers.

Me?  I made Chicken Fried Lion Steaks and a huge pile of Mountain Lion Tacos!  Let's do this!

You will need:

• 1.5 Cups Panko Bread Crumbs
• 2 Cups Flour
• 3 Eggs
• 1 Cup of Milk
• Salt and Pepper

I was working with a total of 4 cutlets.  As you can see, there's not a lot of fat here.  They present a lot like pork cutlets, and they were very similar in taste and texture.  They were thick, so to successfully fry them in a pan, they were going to have to get a lot thinner!

Slip them into a zip-top bag and get a kitchen mallet with a smooth side.  Start pounding, gently!  The goal here is to have a nice cutlet, about 1/4" thick, that is completely uniform in thickness.

It helps if you place the meat so that the grain is perpendicular to the surface that you're pounding on.  Once you're finished with the mallet, leave the cutlets in the bag while you get your dredge station ready.

Notice, I use my sink as the first stage in my dredge.  I put the flour in the sink (it makes a mess anyway, so why get another bowl dirty?).  Whisk your eggs together vigorously before adding the milk, and season the cutlets with salt and pepper. 

The cutlets are dredged in flour first, then the egg mix, then the Panko bread crumbs, then onto a clean plate.  These little beauties are ready to hit the fat!

Get out your biggest skillet (don't you just LOVE my cast iron pan?) and add about 1/4" of olive oil.  Bring it up to about 350 degrees over medium high heat.

Lay in the cutlets and watch them sizzle!  They'll need to cook on the first side for about 6 minutes.  Flip them over with tongs, when that first side is golden brown.

After you turn them, drop the heat to medium and let them cook until the interior temperature hits 160 degrees!  Slide them onto a pan and let them cool a bit before serving.

You could make some gravy with 2Tbsp of the fat from the pan, 2 Tbsp of flour from the sink (whisked thoroughly) and 1.5 Cups of whole milk, heated slowly until it thickens. 

I really enjoyed these!  If you'd have blind-folded me, I'd have sworn they were pork cutlets!  Is this enough to entice me to seek out a Mountain Lion permit every year, to hunt?  Probably not... but if I were the rancher, there's no better sweet revenge than to sink your teeth into your adversary's butt!  Literally...

Kick-Ass Homemade Taco Seasoning!

The other day, Taco Tuesday fell right onto Cinco de Mayo and BOY, did we ever make some tacos!  It struck me that most folks choose to buy their taco seasoning in those little envelopes from the pre-mixed spice aisle at the grocery store... That stuff is NASTY!  It's worse than the "Gravy" packets they sell.  Gross.  Time to make your own!!

Seriously, this stuff could NOT be easier to make.  I always have a Mason Jar of the stuff stashed in the pantry for Taco emergencies.  Let's do this!

You Will Need:

• 2 Tbsp Chili Powder
• 1 Tbsp Cumin
• 1 Tbsp Onion Powder
• 1 Tbsp Garlic Powder
• 1 Tbsp Smoked Paprika
• 1 Tbsp Kosher Salt
• 1 Tbsp Jalapeno Powder  (optional, but delicious)
• 2 tsp Black Pepper
• 2 tsp Corn Starch

Simply mix all of this together in a bowl, and slide it into a container with a tight lid.  It will keep for 6 months, but it won't last that long!

Taco Goodness

To use it, just mix 2 Tablespoons of it with 1/4 cup of cold water.  Stir like crazy.  Brown 1lb of ground beef, drain the fat, and then pour in your spice mix.  Simmer over low heat until it all thickens together in a glorious skillet full of taco goodness.

Serve on crunchy shells, flour torts, or corn "street" tortillas with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, guacamole, or whatever you like!

 

Fresh, EASY Homemade Bread!

Well, here we are.  The Zombies aren't here (yet) but we're in the midst of a Pandemic.  It's crazy to see the kinds of things that people are buying up at the grocery store.  I don't know about you, but my stores are out of flour and yeast, but the bread aisle is packed with commercial offerings!?  In any event, it seemed like a good time to teach myself how to bake:

What beats fresh warm homemade bread?

There are a zillion types of Chefs out there.  Pitmasters, Pastry Chefs (Patissier), Sauce Chefs (Saucier), Vegetable Chefs (Entremetier), did you know there's even a Fish Chef? (Poissonier)!  So of course, there's a bread chef (a Peshawar)!

Baking was a real challenge to me (and it continues to be).  Bakers are more like chemists, as far as I'm concerned.  When I'm smoking a 22lb Brisket, I can play fairly fast and loose with the rub, the trim, the wood... even the heat, to a certain extent.  NOT TRUE when it comes to gluten, dough, yeast, and well; BREAD!  I've taken a very long and difficult recipe and baked it a LOT of times (don't ask), but I believe I've simplified it to where anybody can do this!!

You Will Need:

• The Yeast
• 2 and 1/4 level Teaspoons of active dry yeast
• 1 level Cup of lukewarm water (110 degrees)
• 1 level Tablespoon of sugar
• The Dry
• 19.5oz of All Purpose Flour
• 1 and 1/4 Teaspoons of Salt
• 2 Tablespoons of Sugar
• The Wet 
• 1/3 Cup lukewarm water
• 1/2 Tablespoon of white vinegar
• 2 Tablespoons of regular salted butter, melted

Before we even get started, you have to understand something.  These ingredients need to be measured EXACTLY!  19.5oz of All Purpose flour means getting a scale and measuring exactly 19.5oz?!  That being said, I'm aware that not everyone has a scale.  All I can say is, if you're going to start baking; it's probably time to get one!

First things first.  How active is your yeast?  Time to pull that jar off the shelf and find out!  Pour the Cup of warm water into your mixing bowl and stir in the sugar until it's dissolved.  Sprinkle the yeast over the top and gently stir it in.  It will look like muddy water, but not for long...

If your yeast hasn't been sitting on the shelf for 3 years, it should still be alive!  Leave this bowl alone for 15 minutes.  Things will start happening.  Cool things!  First, you'll smell it... a mix of beer and bread.  You'll look back to the bowl and "Presto," It... IS... ALIIIVE!!  The yeast will start to consume the sugar and belch out some CO2 gas that smells terrific.  It will grow and turn into a thick foamy mass.  When you see that it's foamy and bubbly, it is SAFE to begin the rest of the process.

Mix all of the Dry ingredients in another bowl.  Measure them exactly!  Bread is "chemistry" and the difference between "Amazing success with a crispy chewy crust and the perfect distribution of bubbles, etc," and "a bland blob of goo with a burnt crust" is an ounce of this or a 1/2tsp of that.  So... be careful and precise!

Mix the Wet ingredients together in a cup.  When the dry is ready, and the wet is ready, pour the wet over the yeast in your mixing bowl, snap on the dough hook, and turn it on to a LOW setting while you slowly add the dry ingredients from the Dry bowl.  Let the mixer do its work on LOW for a couple of minutes and once everything is incorporated and you're sure it won't get flung all over the kitchen, bump the speed up to medium-low.


Let it spin for 5 minutes.  Eventually, it should look a bit like a smooth tornado, spinning around your bowl on the doug-hook.  If you see the base of the "tornado" stuck to the bottom of the bowl, it's PERFECT!  If it's trying to crawl up the hook and out of the bowl, add a bit of water.  Literally 1/2tsp of water at a time, watching it.  If it's a wet mess, sprinkle in a tsp of flour every minute or two until it's right!

Continue to let the mixer knead the dough with the dough-hook for ten more minutes.  Why should YOU do the work?  This is why you wrote that check for the Kitchen-aid mixer, right??  While it's working, smear some Olive Oil around a shiny new bowl.  When the timer DINGS, rub some Olive Oil onto your hands, and "sternly convince" your dough ball off of the hook and into the new bowl.  Cover it tightly with plastic wrap and leave it somewhere to rise for ONE HOUR.

Where should you leave it?  Great question.  If your oven has a "Proof" setting, go for it!!  This will bump your oven to a near 100 degree setting, and it's perfect for proofing dough.  If you don't have a Proof setting, I've found that placing the ball on the counter under a light is good, too.

An hour later, the ball should be twice its size!  Check this picture against the previous dough-ball picture.  If it's not this big, let it rise for another half-hour.  It will get there!  Never argue with chemistry, or with live yeast!  I've seen live yeast blow a glass beer bottle all over my garage so I know they can get mad if they want to...

Get your bread pan out, and butter or oil the bottom and sides.  Sprinkle some flour out, in front of your pan.  Roll the dough out onto the floured surface (it will be nice and warm).  Punch it down and flatten it into a rectangle that is as wide as your pan.  If you wanted, you could sprinkle some added ingredients at this time.  Some cinnamon and raisins maybe, or some chopped fresh jalapeno and cheddar cheese?

Roll the rectangle up into a cylinder that's exactly as wide as your pan.  Gently lift and place the dough into the pan, and press it around so that it uniformly covers the bottom of the pan.  Spray a bit of Pam onto some plastic wrap, and LOOSELY cover it with the plastic before placing it back into it's Happy Place to rise again.  Proof it (let it rise) for another 45 minutes to an hour.  Keep an eye on it.  Whenever it's risen an inch or so above the lip of the pan, you're ready to bake it!

Bake it in a pre-heated 375 degree oven until it's done.  When does that happen?  Well, "chemistry" again... It all depends on humidity, elevation, your oven, and other factors.  Basically, I start checking it after 30 minutes.  When the top is a nice golden brown, give it 5 more minutes and then take it out and let it cool, in the pan, on the counter for 20 minutes.

Take it out of the pan and ENJOY it!  Remember, we didn't add any preservatives so... It won't last more than 3-5 days, tops.  I keep mine in a plastic bag which helps, a bread-box would be ideal.  Fresh bread doesn't usually last more than 48 hours here so, I don't worry about storage too much!