Eggnog? Hell YES, Eggnog! Badass, Super-deluxe "Better than ice cream" Eggnog!

I applaud the efforts of folks who take traditional fatty foods, and try to substitute lower-fat ingredients to make them healthier.  I do... Some dishes, however, were never meant for such nonsense and Eggnog is one of them!  I'm willing to bet that if you're not an Eggnog fan, it's because you've never had the "Good Stuff!"

This recipe brings back memories and it's very special to me because it's the first thing I ever made in the kitchen, on my own.  An old friend, Nancy Baumann, gave me this recipe when I was 14 years old, and I haven't let go of it since!  Sure, I've changed it very slightly, but the core is all Nancy who is as sweet as the nog we're about to concoct!

You will need:

• 12 egg, separated (yes... you'll need a dozen eggs)
• 1.5 cups sugar
• 1 quart heavy cream
• ½ gallon whole milk
• 2 cups Bourbon
• 2 tablespoon vanilla
• Nutmeg
• Cinnamon Sticks 
• Three medium bowls and one LARGE bowl

This recipe will serve 15-20 people at a party, so you might want to cut it half.  Personally, I just keep it in the fridge, in a previously used plastic gallon of milk.  Keep the old expiration date on the jug, so other people will leave it alone!  You'll want this all to yourself!

In bowl #1, combine one cup of the sugar and all 12 of the egg yolks.  Before you get all queezy about the reality of consuming raw egg yolks, rest assured that if you're using FRESH eggs, the chances of you running into any Salmonella are quite small.  However, you can certainly use pasteurized eggs if it will help you to feel better!  Beat the yolks and sugar until you have a thick bright yellow, uniform "goo."

In bowl #2, combine the rest of the sugar with all 12 of the egg whites.  Beat them until they're thick.  You're not looking to make any meringue here, just beat them until they're combined and just before they get to the "soft peak" stage... turn your beaters upside down and see if they form gently falling very soft peaks.  If so, you're ready!  If you over-beat them and they get stiff, just bake a lemon pie and use the meringue as topping.

In bowl #3, beat the cream until it starts to thicken.  When you beat cream, it moves in stages:

1. Cream
2. Thick Cream
3. Thicker Cream
4. Whipped Cream
5. Butter

You certainly don't want butter, or even whipped cream!  You want to drink your eggnog, you don't want to eat it with a spoon, so shoot for stage 2 or 3 above.  

Now for the fun part!  Combine bowl #3 (the cream) with bowl #1 (the yolks) and mix them together in your biggest bowl.  Fold in bowl #2 (the egg whites), and gently stir it together.  Finally, add the milk, Bourbon, vanilla.  Pour the contents into a glass or plastic jug and park it in the refrigerator.  I like to serve it super cold, so I put it in the freezer for 1/2 hour prior to serving! 

To serve, simply pour into a punch bowl and arrange your nutmeg and cinnamon sticks as a garnish for your guests to enjoy.

I calculated the fat/calories of this once, you don't want to know... It's *SO* good though, you probably won't care!

 

Gotta Get A Cooler!

So, my wife and I are fairly seriously looking into incorporating myself into a BBQ provider company.  It would be a "You buy the food, I cook it for you, and I deliver it to your party" kind of operation.  To that end, we've actually taken the time to design a logo, speak to our accountant, buy a domain name, and research some paperwork, etc.  While she continues the research (she's into that sort of thing), I continue to cook!  I'm also spending a small bit of money on some branding.  I bought some logo-shirts and I got this spiffy new cooler that I can't wait to tell you about!  Check it:

What's so special about it?  Well, besides having my name and logo artfully carved into the most beautiful weather-treated wood you've ever seen, it's amazingly functional.

The darn thing is actually built around a modern 48qt cooler (Igloo, 96qt available too) that is already proven to keep meat, beer, or Whiskey cold for days (it might work for bottles of water too, I have no idea).  All seams are super tight, corners are perfectly square, and she sits as level as you please, right out of the box!

Large handles are built in with enough rope to make carrying a breeze.  A HUGE butterfly valve at the bottom makes it super easy to drain without having to squat down and feel around for the outlet.  The bottle opener is a nice touch, too!

Where do you get one?  From the Cooler Guy!  Duh... Give him a call.  For a Craftsman, he's pretty modest about his prices.  They vary, as you might expect, given the complexity, color, and number of designs or logos, their placement, etc.  Rarely do you find something this functional that's also this beautiful!

Here's a note from Kevin, regarding his prices:

We charce $300.00 for a single cooler (shown here).  $460.00 for a double cooler, and $35.00 for a custom or special logo. There is no charge for a logo we already have in house. We only do copywritten logos if we have a license for the team or business.  $75.00 to add casters, $25.00 to box for shipping plus the cost to ship to your zip code.

You can pick it up if you would like, if you live close to Baton Rouge. We are looking for Dealers, we can put your logos on them.

Thank you Kevin Berthelot 1-225-978-2722 or Kevinberthelot2722@gmail.com

Easy Cornish Game Hens

Ok, since I wrote about cooking Cornish "Game-Day" Hens on a smoker/grill, I've been bombarded with requests about how to cook them in a regular oven.  No problem! 

Cornish hens have a lot of things going for them.  They're more flavorful than chicken, they cook very easily, they're super cheap, easy to work with, and they're just so dog-gone cute!  I have no idea why people don't eat more of them.  I do hear from others that "they dry out easily" but I'll show you how easy it is to guard against that... So let's get started!

You will need:

• Olive oil
• A good poultry dry rub
• 1 Tbsp Cajun Seasoning
• 1 Tbsp Brown Sugar
• 1 Tbsp Paprika
• 1 Tbsp Chili Powder 
• 1 Tsp Ground Black Pepper
• 2 slices of bacon per bird
• Cornish hens 
• Cookie sheet
• Aluminum foil
• Non-stick cooking spray
• Accurate cooking thermometer
• Preheat oven to 375 (Use your "Convection Roast" setting if you have one)

First, prepare the pan!  Coat a dry cookie sheet with a generous cloud of your non-stick cooking spray (who are we kidding, we all use Pam, don't we?).  Then cut and lay out your foil and push all of the air bubbles out from under it.  Spritz one more layer of Pam across the foil.  Why do this?  Because clean-up will only take you 10 seconds after the birds are done, that's why!

Now, time to prep the bird(s).  Drizzle some good olive oil all over the birds and use your hands to massage the oil all over the front, back, and sides of each hen.  Tuck the little "Flappers" on the ends of the wings, behind the shoulders (where her little head used to be).  Now, thoroughly mix all of the ingredients to your dry rub, and give the bird a liberal sprinkling of the seasoning, on all sides.  Criss-cross two slices of bacon across the breast of each bird, and season again with your dry rub.


Why bacon?  Good question... First of all, bacon is delicious and we want to eat it whenever we have a free opportunity.  Second, and more importantly, our friend bacon is here to render its fat all over the bird during the cooking process and this will not only add flavor, but it will serve to baste the little hen and to keep her from drying out!

Now, pop the bird(s) into a pre-heated 375 degree oven, for 45 minutes.  After 45 minutes of cooking, you'll need to start paying meticulous attention to the birds!  You can see here at that after 45 mins, my hens were only 144.6 degrees.  We want a good safe 165 degrees in the deep part of the thigh, so more cooking was required.  How much?  Well, these birds are small and they heat up quickly!  I checked mine every 5 minutes from here on out because a bird at 165 is glorious, juicy, tender, etc.  A bird at 175 is a dry and sad one that you would not want to serve.  In my case, these two birds hit 168 just ten short minutes later, so don't walk away!  Pull them out of the oven, cover them with a tent of foil, and leave them alone for about 5 minutes.

When it's time to serve, use some kitchen shears to cut your little hens in half, right down the middle.  1/2 a hen (with its bacon partner) is the perfect serving portion to with some garlic French green beans and some homemade cous-cous.  The birds are on the spicy side, so a sweeter wine, like a Riesling might be nice... Mine was consumed alongside a homemade IPA (as usual).

Oh, remember the foil on the cookie sheet?  Check out just how easy it was to clean up the bird drippings!  You're welcome!!

Grilled Texas Beef Sushi Roll - "Oscar Roll!"

Ok, I'm not going to lie, this is a big recipe!  When I first described the concept to my buddy Jarrod a month or two ago, he asked, "Aren't you flying a bit too close to the sun, Icarus?"  He knows how to challenge me...  Anyway, I had this idea that sushi didn't have to be all about fish and rice.  What if you flattened out a Beef Filet and stuffed it with lump crab meat or shrimp, some asparagus, seasoned it, then rolled it up, wrapped it in bacon, grilled it lightly, then smoked it over indirect heat and ultimately buried it in Hollandaise sauce and garnished it with crispy bacon bits and diced jalapeno? 

I tried it today... There are MORE of these in my future, I will tell you.  Probably tomorrow....  Please read through this entire article before you venture into your kitchen.  You'll need to set your brain to thinking about it.

You will need:

• 1 small Filet Mignon (4 or 6 oz is best, thin cut)
• 4oz (small handful) of fresh (not pre-cooked) shrimp or lump crab meat
• 2 slices of THIN bacon with a lot of fat on it
• Seasoning:
• 1 Tbsp Kosher salt
• 1 Tbsp Smoked Paprika
• 1 Tbsp high quality chili powder
• 1 Tbsp brown sugar
• 1/2 Tsp fresh ground nutmeg
• 1 large batch of Hollandaise sauce
• 2 or 3 fresh sprigs of asparagus

First, go outside and run about 5 miles because that's how much energy you'll have to burn to safely consume one of these beauties!  Personally, I opted for a cup of coffee rather than the run. Personal preference....  This recipe makes one roll, because it was an experiment for me.  I came up with this one completely from scratch  and I wanted to make sure it worked, to see how much time it took, etc, before I started making them a dozen at a time.  You'll have some ingredients left over, like the seasoning and the rest of your Hollandaise.  Sorry.... Adjust accordingly.

When you're back from your run (or your coffee break), whip up a batch of Hollandaise.  This is a standard recipe that is easily googled (bow your head and say a quick "Thanks" to the French for this).  Pour the whole batch into a pre-heated food or drinking Thermos and set it aside.  Hollandaise is a pain in the ass (leave it to the French...), it pouts and separates and sticks and settles and has to be constantly whisked and kept at a consistent temperature.  This is fine if you have a sou-chef to handle it for you, OR you could just pour it into a Thermos where it will keep for hours.  Trust me, you'll have better things to do than to time your Hollandaise perfectly to the meat coming off the grill...

Now, go outside and build a fire in your grill/smoker.  You'll want a nice white hot bed of coals to work with.  Once your fire is going, come inside and pound your meat!!  It's all very exciting.  Start with your standard, garden variety petite filet and cover it, top and bottom, with a large piece of plastic-wrap.  Then, using the smooth side of your meat mallet, gently but firmly pound the meat from the outside edges in, until it's as thin as you can get it, without splitting it apart. 

Be patient.  Do NOT just pound the crap out of it or it will tear and split!  Notice the before and after pictures here.  Next, you'll want to rotate the steak to your best advantage for stuffing.  In this case, look at the picture on the left and notice that I have a nice long "edge" on the side by the Sharpie.  That's the edge I'll pack my shrimp into for rolling.  Speaking of shrimp....

Clean, peel, and bring a small handful of shrimp up to room temperature.  This is important because you're only going to cook it for one minute!  If they're super cold, they'll just bring down the temperature of the water and not get any cooking time in.  Drop them into boiling water and cook them for 60 seconds, no more, no less.  They won't be completely cooked, but they'll have a good head start.  Then, take them out of the boil and shock them in an ice bath of super cold water to stop the cooking process.  Let them swim and chill out for another minute.

Now, chop them coarsely as shown.  If you're using lump crab meat, you won't have any chopping to do... I like them coarsely chopped and they sure roll better this way, so take the time to do it.

My buddy Karl gave me this Ulu curved knife from Alaska... it chops like hell and is an awesome knife to have in the arsenal.  I haven't cut myself with it yet, either!

Time to roll!  Place your shrimp on the side you chose to start rolling from, and add your sprigs of asparagus on top.  Put all of your spices together into a shaker and mix them up thoroughly.  Season the shrimp and the steak at this point, giving the whole thing a good shake.  Keep the rest of your seasoning for the 5 or 6 of these rolls that you'll be cooking for your friends later...  Now, roll it up tightly, taking care to tuck in the sides as you're rolling.

You're looking for a nice tight roll, with sealed edges.  The most common mistake I will predict is "over-stuffing."  It's tempting, I know, but don't do it!  You want an even roll so that it all cooks evenly and the heat gets to everything inside at a consistent rate.  What now?  Well, wrap it in bacon, of course!!

Take your two thin pieces of bacon and stretch them out.  This is why you bought cheap, thin bacon!  The temptation is to always get thick bacon... don't get me wrong, I *LOVE* thick bacon, but when it comes to wrapping foods to render fat and keep them moist, you can't beat the stretchy, flexibility and "sticky" quality that thin bacon has.  I'd use caul-fat netting, but that's pretty hard to come by if you don't know a good butcher who loves you.  Wrap one piece around from left to right, spiraling as you go, then use the other piece to back from right to left.  Season it and use a couple of toothpicks to hold it together.

Head out to the fire!  You want to sear it first, over super high heat for about 60 seconds on each side.  I have a fire-grate in my firebox so this was easy for me.  If you're running a pellet grill, I'm not sure what to tell you.  If you're running a YODER pellet grill, it has a sear setting so you'll be good to go. Regardless, you'll need to find a "hot side" somewhere on your grill to crisp up the bacon and get the ball rolling.





Then, onto the smoker!  Place the roll in a smoker at 225 degrees and insert a reliable temperature probe so that the tip is right in the center.  Close your smoker and leave it in there at 225 for about thirty minutes or until the center hits 130 degrees. 

Now, take it off and cover it with foil to let it rest.  While it's resting, take your crispy bacon out of the fridge, heat it up in the microwave for 30 seconds or so, and coarsely chop it into bacon bits.  You *DO* have bacon in your fridge, right?  Already cooked for such an occasion?  I certainly do... You can also take this opportunity to dice up a fresh Jalapeno chili.






Time to assemble the dish!  Place the roll in the middle of a plate.  Take the top off of your Thermos and pour on a generous helping of Hollandaise.  Let it cascade down the sides of your "Sushi" roll and onto the plate.  Now, pull the toothpicks and gently slice it open in the center with a very sharp slicing knife.  Open the roll so folks can witness what's going on inside.  Garnish the top with a hefty sprinkling of coarsely chopped bacon  bits and diced Jalapeno.  Come on, how good is this:

Grilling Steaks. Too Hard? Let's Make it Easy!

Grilling the perfect steak is deceptively difficult.  While every man on the earth will tell you that he has the instincts of the most culinary gifted Neanderthals passed down to him, I'd bet you a case of donuts and Bourbon that he's super nervous inside, when it's time for the meat to hit the fire.  Why?  The facts are:

1. Steaks aren't cheap, and you want to maximize your investment
2. Distractions (kids, dogs, other grilling duties, in-laws, beer) take your focus away from what needs to be done.
3. There are a zillion variables to complicate this equation, like
1. Thickness of the steak
2. Temperature of the charcoal/wood
3. Temperature of the grilling surface
4. Temperature of the space above the grill
5. Temperature outside
6. Surface area of the grill

 

I'm here to make this super easy (you're welcome).  Men, you don't have to tell anyone that you read this, you can continue to grill steaks and take the credit, just wink at me when you see me at the airport... I'll know.  Ladies, you can use this knowledge to out-grill your man someday, but only if he really deserves it (or if you're tired of wasting good money on bad steak).

You will need:

• Kosher Salt
• 2 Excellent Steaks, each at least 1 1/4" thick
• A Grill (Fire)
• A very accurate thermometer

Before we begin, I want to express that most "Grilled Steak" recipes are quite frustrating.  The exact same recipe can be followed by two different chefs, and one will have success while the other fails. Why?  The variables.  Every steak is different.  Every fire is even more different.  Grills are different, internal and external starting points are different, SO... grab a good instant-read thermometer and read this.  It will help!

I'm starting with a couple of Porterhouse steaks.  Note the smaller tenderloin (Filet) on one side of the bone, and the larger strip ("New York") sirloin on the other side.  I chose them because they're well-marbled.  "Well Marbled" doesn't mean there's a thick ribbon of fat running through the muscle, rather, it means the lean muscle is loaded with tiny white flecks of fat, throughout.  This marbling is the primary factor used by the U.S.D.A. to grade meat.  The grades are (from worst to best): Select, Choice, and Prime.  "Prime" beef is graded based on its high level of marbling.  More fat meats more flavor, more juice, and typically, more tenderness.  "Choice" means less, and "Select" (or "Cow") is the leanest. 

NOTE!  These grades are assigned at packing houses, where buyers (who are very skilled at this) set the mark for "Prime" etc, based on that day's selection.  Therefore, whatever is "Prime" today, might be "Choice" tomorrow, depending on the overall quality of the beef that comes in.  In other words, DON'T RELY ON THE GOVERNMENT STICKER TO TELL YOU HOW GOOD A STEAK IS!  Take a good look for yourself and pick a steak that has good color, is nice and "tight" (no obvious separation between muscle and fat), and is peppered with flecks of bright white fat!

On the day you want steak for dinner, take them out of the fridge and set them on a nice cutting board, around noon (yes, "noon").  Sprinkle both sides liberally with Kosher salt.  I like Kosher salt because the larger flecks give your fingers more control of how much you "dispense" over your steak.  Don't worry about fancy steak seasonings, rubs, or marinades, we're aiming at the amazing flavor and texture of the steak, not what's in a bottle! Also, don't worry too much about "over-salting."  It's a big steak, it can handle it!  Note how much I used in the picture.  That's perfect.  Don't forget to do both sides...

Now, leave the steak(s) on the board, and leave the board on the counter for 5 or 6 hours (YES, 5 or 6 hours!).  Any surface bacteria that might want to take hold of the steak will have the salt to contend with, so don't worry.  Also, the salt will melt down and the meat will take hold of it.  You want these steaks to be room temperature when they hit the grill, so trust me!  The muscle will darken slightly, this is just exactly what we want!  Some water will evaporate, too.  This is a good thing, it will help concentrate the texture and flavor of the steak.  So... salt it and leave it alone!

When it's time to grill, go ahead and build your fire.  Here's the trick, only build the fire on HALF of your grill.  If you're using propane, only light half of the burners.  Walk away and let your fire/coals/wood burn down to a nice hot bed of coals and let it heat up the grill.  We're going to put a nice sear on the surface of these steaks!  In this picture, you can see that my coals are almost ready, they're white with ash and a fire is rumbling around in the bottom.  The surface of the grill is around 575 or 600 degrees.  Time to get the meat!

Lay your steaks onto the hottest part of the grill and listen to them sizzle!  Close the lid and leave them over this super hot fire for 90 seconds.  Flip them over, and put them right back over the hot side for 2 minutes.  Why longer on that side?  Because the meat absorbed some of the heat from the first sear, so the surface is cooler.  90 seconds on side one, two minutes on side two.  If anyone tells you, "Dude, you're gonna burn them!" Just tell them that you'll be happy to eat theirs and hand them a bowl of cut tofu and broccoli.

When you've seared both sides, it's time to move them off of the hot side, and to take their temperature.  They are not done at this stage!  They sure are pretty though, aren't they?  The plan is to leave them on the "cooler" side of the grill (so they won't burn), with the lid closed, until they're done.  Take their temperature every two minutes! 

When are they done?  Well, let's talk about that...


If you were to look up ten different "Degree of Doneness" charts (go ahead, use your googler), you'll find that they wildly disagree on doneness levels and their temperatures.  I was raised in TX where "Rare" means it's still room temperature in the center. The truth is, your steaks were "safe" to eat as soon as you flipped them over to the cool side, but since most people like a "hot" (or certainly "warm") steak, you've still got some cooking to do.  135 is a safe temperature to shoot for.  Personally, I like them right at 125!  That's the "Rare side of Medium Rare."  To take all of the pink out, you'll need to take it all the way to about 155 or 160.  Caution, cooking a steak up to this temperature will render out all of the fat, dry it out, and reduce the juice to the point where the flavor is lost!  This is why people reach for Ketchup or Steak Sauce.  It is also why I don't have Ketchup or Steak Sauce available at my house!

Here, you can see that I pulled my steak at 125 degrees.  Then, I covered both of them with foil and let them rest for about 7 minutes.  The 7 minutes is just the right amount of time to announce to folks that it's time to get a plate and to put a hearty baked potato on it, with some butter, etc.  By the time they make it to your cutting board with a plate in their hand, 7 minutes will have gone by and you can serve them the best steak ever.

The picture below is of a 1 1/4" Porterhouse at 125 degrees.  It was seared for 90 seconds, then flipped and seared for 2 minutes.  It was moved off the direct heat and cooked over indirect heat for 6 additional minutes.  I enjoyed it immensely, with only a bit of cracked pepper for additional seasoning.  If you like yours a bit more "done," then simply cook it for 8 minutes over indirect heat and pull it at 135 degrees.

Bacon Wrapped Chicken Lollipops

Have you ever been shown a picture that prompts your mouth to start drooling all over the place while your brain says, "Stop everything, I need to eat that!"  Well... May I present a tin of bacon-wrapped Chicken Lollipops, for your consideration?  Here:

If you're bored and tired of the same old Chicken Leg, but you love their sale price, why not jazz your legs up to "Competition Level?"

You will need:

• Chicken Legs
• Dry Rub; equal parts of
• brown sugar
• chili powder
• salt
• pepper
• THINly sliced bacon strips
• Your favorite BBQ sauce
• Apple Cider Vinegar

First, a couple of words about knife safety and bacterial contamination...
Knife safety = Good!
Bacterial contamination = Bad!

This recipe requires a LOT of prep work.  Unfortunately, the more prepping you do, the more careful you have to be about cross-contamination, cutting yourself, etc, etc.  So, if you're right-handed, keep a super sharp knife, a delicious beverage, and a clean pair of needle-nosed pliers on the right-hand side of your cutting board.  Wash your hands, and take hold of the knife with your right hand.  Repeat after me:  "I will NOT touch any chicken with my right hand.  I will only touch my knife, my beverage, and my pliers with my right hand.  I will clean everything with anti-bacterial soap, using both hands, when all of my chicken is prepped and sitting in the pan."

Some of you may struggle with touching or handling raw meat.  This recipe is not for you!  If you're on the fence about it, just take a deep breath, grow a pair, and dive right in!

Now, put all of your chicken on the left side of your board, and place a clean roasting pan for collecting the legs, in the middle.  Begin!  Grab a leg with your left hand, place it on your board, and cut all the way around the bone, just above the ankle.

Use your knife to "shave" a flap of skin down and over the "hinge" of the ankle. 

Here's the fun part, use the pliers and slide one of the "jaws" into the trough that lies between the hinge points of the ankle, and wrestle the "sock" off of the bone.

While you still have the pliers in your right hand (You didn't touch the chicken with your right hand, did you?), grab and firmly tug out all of the white ligaments, and that little "spike" bone that we all find when we eat chicken legs.  There are 4 ligaments to yank, and that one bone to pull out.  This step isn't totally necessary, but if you're cooking in a competition, you'll score poorly if you don't do it.  Also, your family will appreciate the effort when they eat these, so your patience will be rewarded.  Don't worry if it takes you 20 minutes to prep your first leg.  You'll get faster, I promise!

Now, grab the meat of the leg in your left hand and anchor it to the cutting board,  Pick up a paper-towel with your right hand, and use it to grip the end of the bone.  Pull the bone up and around in a circle while anchoring the meat down to the board.  This will ball the meat up into a sphere and keep it collected so that it will stand up in the pan.





Now, go to the sink and wash your hands, knife, pliers, board, and wipe down the area around your cutting board with some anti-bacterial wipes.  Why wash now?  Cross-contamination... that's why.  You don't want to open your fridge, grab your bacon, or refill your beverage with chicken goo on your hands...

When things are clean, go get your pack of thin-cut bacon out of the fridge, and collect your dry rub.  Liberally shake your dry rub all over the meat portion of your lollipops (try to keep the bones clean).  Then wrap each one with one slice of bacon.  Line them up in the pan, and wash your hands, prep station, etc, for the last time.  Why "thin" bacon?  Well, thin bacon is more malleable, and it's easier to work with.  Also, it will add a hint of bacon flavor without overpowering the chicken.

Finally, wrap a small bit of foil around each bone, so they'll stay nice and clean during the cooking process.


Time to cook!  Personally, I prefer to smoke them at about 275 degrees for two hours, or until the inside of each leg touches 165 degrees. 

At 165, take out the pan and dip each lollipop into a mixture of 2 parts bbq sauce to 1 part cider vinegar.  No need to brush or mop the sauce on, just dip each leg and set them gently back into the pan.  Put the pan back into the smoker (or oven, grill, whatever you're using to cook) and bring the legs up to 175.  This will "set" the sauce into a nice flavorful coating that won't run all over the place.  Take the foil off of the bones while they rest for a few minutes, and serve.

Are these a lot of work?  Yes.  Is hard work generally rewarded?  YES!  I smoked these, using apple-wood.  You could certainly use the indirect method of cooking on a charcoal grill, or a (*sigh*) propane grill, too.  Just be sure to monitor the temperature of the legs.

What? Did you say, "TOFU Fajitas??"

*SIGH* Tofu.  Billions of Asian people who eat this stuff can't be wrong, can they?  There is a very small group of vegetarians who picket my castle door from time to time (they're harmless, really, being afraid of guns, too), demanding that I give Tofu a "Fair Shake."

My feeling is, if you have to work your butt off to mold Tofu into a shape that vaguely resembles a turkey, and if you have to infuse the tofu with turkey stock and other chemical additives to make it taste like turkey... Instead of a "Tofurkey" at Thanksgiving, WHY DON'T YOU JUST EAT SOME REAL TURKEY??

I digress.  I did my level best to construct an edible Tofu Fajita.  Before I tell you how I did it, we need to get some rules straight:

1. Do not ever tell me, "It tastes just like chicken, you can't even tell the difference!"  If anyone ever tells you that after eating Tofu, they're lying to you, or they burned off their taste buds a long time ago.
2. God gave us teeth for a reason.  Tofu requires no use of these teeth no matter what you do to it, so do not ever tell me, "The texture, it's just like chicken, you can't even tell the difference!"  If anyone ever tells you that, they're lying, or they've never actually bitten into a real chicken.
3. I don't condone the use of Tofu.  Ever.  But if you're in a pinch, and you want to eat something that actually tastes good, and you need protein, and there aren't any chickens around... I'm your man.  

Keep this recipe handy.  If you're ever kidnapped by over-zealous hippies and dragged back to their commune, you'll need it... At least until they all close their eyes and hold hands to sing "Kumbayah" in a circle, affording you the chance you'll need to escape!

You will need:

• Homemade Pico de Gallo
• Homemade Guacamole
• Grilled onions and Peppers
• Flour Tortillas (Preferably homemade)
• Two fresh Jalapenos
• Three garlic cloves
• Soy Sauce
• Sriricha Sauce
• Sesame Oil
• 1 package "FIRM" Tofu

I cooked and assembled this recipe alongside some grilled chicken, so everyone who reads this can do their own comparison and make up their own minds about what they might like.  Each fajita (the chicken, and the tofu version) were identically assembled.

Be advised.  When the package says, "Firm," you should not expect any "Firmness" from the Tofu whatsoever.  You could literally suck the entire contents of this package down with a straw, and filter it through your front teeth on its way down.  It's a bit like jello that tastes like water and magnesium (only softer).  One "Benefit" of Tofu (they say) is that it takes on other flavors as you cook it!  I'll never understand that.  Personally, I'd rather eat "chicken" than "jello that tastes like chicken" but... we've already been over that.

Since this Tofu wasn't anywhere near "Firm" in my book, I placed the block on a stack of paper-towels and I put a heavy dessert plate on top of it and walked away for a few hours.  I managed to press a lot more water out of it, and it got firmer, but who are we trying to kid?  This stuff will never be so firm that you might have to cut it with a knife.  I daresay, that I could cut the firmest Tofu with a single Kleenex.  Do the best you can, and firm it up.  Then, slice it into hunks that might resemble slices of grilled chicken.

Dice your Jalapeno and garlic and saute them in a pool of sesame oil in a non-stick pan.  When the oil is good and hot and you've cooked down your veggies, add the tofu.  Liberally season with salt and pepper, and add some Sriracha and about a tablespoon of soy.  Toss the Tofu around in the pan, and stir-fry it until all four sides of each "plank" are golden brown.  The best you can hope for here is a moderately chewy outside, and a mushy gelatinized goo in the middle that tastes vaguely of garlic, jalapeno, and sesame.  Add about 1/2 cup of chicken stock if you want to add some chicken flavor, just don't do it when the hippies are watching because they might freak out.. Tell them to go and take a shower or something.  And tell them to USE DEODERANT this time!

Here is my finished Tofu, stacked inside a nice homemade flour tortilla, with some guacamole, fresh Pico, and some grilled peppers and onions.  Below, on the left, you'll see the identical dish, constructed with grilled chicken...

This is a lovely chicken fajita!  Something you could really sink your teeth into!  Lean, low in fat, high in protein, deliciously cooked over a wood fire and pulled from the heat at 165 degrees before being sliced and devoured.

Here, you see both fajitas, after I've taken a test bite out of them.  Ok, well, I admit to taking three or four test bites out of the real chicken one (on the right, in the picture) because it was absolutely delicious!  The Tofu fajita had the texture of a "mashed potato" fajita, only much softer.  It tasted of guacamole, fresh garden salsa, and it had a hint of "stir fry" aroma with the distant bite of Sriracha.

All in all, I have to say... the Tofu fajita wasn't too bad.  It was certainly "edible."  If you served me one, I'd eat it.  If you pulled the Tofu out, I'd still eat it, but I'd leave the Tofu on the plate.

I suppose Tofu has it's place in the world, but it's place is not at my house.  Whenever I mash it up against the roof of my mouth with my tongue to try to taste it, it splits all apart and goos up my whole mouth and I make this face... My wife calls it my, "Oops, someone just sneezed into my mouth and you might have to call 911" face.  Your mileage may vary!